you are my sunshine (my only sunshine)
by geekchic64
Summary: "Because who knew that forever had an expiration date." Or: Everything is going perfectly, until suddenly it's not.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own _The 100_

 **A/N:** Lol not gunna lie, I kind of hate myself for this one. But I would honestly suggest so hard that you listen to Michael Brook's Kiss Breakdown while reading this one. Makes it so much better.

Feel free to come yell at me on tumblr (whatwordsmiss)!

Enjoy! X

"What was your childhood like?"

At Clarke's question, Lexa's hands stilled on the piece of hair she was braiding. One of her favorite things was playing with Clarke's hair – it was like dipping her hand into sunlight.

Lexa gave a soft hum as she began playing with Clarke's hair again. She allowed her mind to drift back to what felt like another life time ago.

"Peaceful," Lexa murmured.

Clarke shifted on her spot on the floor in front of Lexa who was sitting on their apartment's sofa.

"That's it? Just peaceful?"

Lexa laughed and gently pushed Clarke's head forward again so she could finish braiding.

"Yes, Clarke. It was peaceful."

"Tell me about it?"

"Of course… Before mom and dad died and I moved in with Aunt Indra and Lincoln, we lived in this beautiful forest. Our closest neighbor was about a mile from us. As a kid I was constantly going on adventures in the woods. It would drive mom crazy – one moment I was helping her bake in the kitchen, and the next I was halfway up a tree."

Clarke gave a soft chuckle and Lexa softly smiled at the fond memory.

"Eventually, dad decided it would be wise to build me a treehouse. I helped out as much as a seven-year-old could. We painted the ceiling inside blue so it was like I had my very own sky in there. Dad even built a secret little cubby in the floor. I would hide notes in there because mom told me stories about how fairies liked to visit the treehouse sometimes. They would leave notes of their own as well as pinecones and other things as gifts. But thinking about it now, I'm sure it was just mom and dad. They always would encourage me to use my imagination and to never lose that sense of magic in the world. I was honestly very lucky to have them in my life for sixteen years."

Lexa sighed and Clarke reached back to squeeze Lexa's leg.

"They always sound so wonderful whenever you talk about them."

"They were… When I was eleven, I met Costia on the first day of middle school. We instantly became friends. She was always over and we spent our days just sitting in that treehouse or running through the woods. Mom and dad loved her. But her parents didn't. That's why she was always over. She told me one day that she wished she could just live in the treehouse. Or that we could run away together. I never really knew how to put a reply into words, but I think she knew how I felt. I hope she knew."

Lexa stopped talking to stare out of the apartment window. It was raining and the soft plunking of raindrops set her soul at ease. She let her hands fall to rest on Clarke's shoulders as the other girl turned around to look at Lexa. Clarke took Lexa's hand and softly pulled the other girl down to sit on the floor with her.

Both girls sat in front of each other with their legs crisscrossed. Clarke took in Lexa's misty green eyes.

"Hey… Lexa…" Slowly, Lexa lifted her head to look at Clarke. "She knew."

Lexa's mouth curved into a sad smile as her eyes danced over Clarke's face.

"I suppose she did…" Lexa took a deep breath and blinked away the memories. "Anyway… We officially got together when I was fifteen, and then when… I moved away at sixteen, we kind of just… Fell apart. The distance was hard, to say the least. I was also very depressed, naturally. I was, um, very hard to love, back then."

"That's not to say you're not a pain in the ass now." Clarke smiled and Lexa flicked her shoulder.

"Yes… But I'm _your_ pain in the ass."

"Very true. And I wouldn't have it any other way."

The two women smiled at each other. The moment was quiet; still. Neither Clarke nor Lexa needed anything else – they had each other and that was enough.

It was always enough.

Lexa leaned forward and took Clarke's hand in her own, their fingers softly playing with each other.

"I can't promise you that I will always be easy to love, Clarke. And I think you already know that. We are both works in progress and god knows life can be messy. But what I can promise you is that I will always try. I will never give up. I will always love you. You have stolen my heart, Clarke Griffin, and I would burn down mountains for you."

"Lexa, I…"

"Hold on. Just – just one second, Clarke." Lexa dropped Clarke's hand and pushed off the floor, dashing over to the kitchen. She opened the spice cabinet and pushed things around until she found what she was looking for. Lexa walked back over to Clarke and gracefully sat back down in front of her, their knees bumping together. Gulping, she took Clarke's hands again.

"I love you, Clarke. I love you with all of me. Sometimes, when it's hard, all I have to do is think of you. And then it's easier; it's easier to breathe, to smile, to _laugh._ You're my sunshine, Clarke. You make me remember what it's like to be in love with _life._ You have reminded me time and time again that love is not weakness, but rather love is _brave_. It takes courage to completely open up to another person and say 'here I am. This is me. I am bruised and scarred and I have my flaws. But please accept me anyway. Please love me anyway.'

"And you do, Clarke. I have never known love like this until I met you." Lexa leaned forward and gently wiped Clarke's tears away. "I had planned this huge event with Octavia and she's probably going to kill me for this, but… Every moment with you, Clarke, is one that I want to remember for the rest of my life. So," Lexa reached into her hoodie's pocket and pulled out a small black box, "Clarke Griffin, would you do me the honor of allowing me to spend the rest of my time with you?" Lexa opened the box to reveal a shimmering diamond ring. "Would you do me the honor of making every moment, from here until the last, one that will take my breath away? Would you do me the honor of being able to walk through this adventure we call life with my best friend?"

Clarke pulled her hands away from covering her mouth and Lexa felt her breath hitch in her throat as the other woman frantically nodded her head.

"Yes! Yes of course Lexa, yes! Oh my god, a thousand times yes!"

The two women laughed as Lexa's shaking hands tried to slip the ring on Clarke's trembling one. With the ring securely on, Lexa cupped Clarke's face, and Clarke tangled her hands in Lexa's hair, both of them meeting in the middle for a kiss that felt like a promise of forever.

After a moment, Lexa pulled away and rested her forehead against Clarke's. She had her eyes closed and felt Clarke's laughter dancing over her. Lexa felt a grin take over her face as she softly nuzzled Clarke's nose with her own.

"You make me so happy, Clarke."

Clarke laughed and began peppering Lexa's face with kisses – chin, nose, cheek, forehead – until she ended at her lips.

" _You_ make _me_ happy, Lexa."

The rain was still plunking against the windows, the cars were still honking on the street below, the television could still be heard through the wall from their neighbors, and their hearts were still beating.

Lexa loved Clarke, and Clarke loved Lexa.

And that was enough.

"So the spice cabinet?"

Lexa laughed as she pulled away from Clarke to look at her. Her blue eyes seemed to have been sparkling with happiness, and Lexa knew hers probably looked the same way.

"Well it's not like you were going to be cooking anytime soon."

Clarke thought for a moment before shrugging her shoulders.

"Yeah, well, I guess that's fair."

Lexa watched as Clarke's eyes drifted to the side as she chewed on her bottom lip. Lexa rolled her eyes and smirk.

"Go on – call the troops. I know you're dying to tell them all," she said through a laugh. Clarke's eyes darted back to Lexa's as she sheepishly smiled. She pushed off the floor and pulled out her phone, anyway.

"I'm going to call Raven first because Octavia is probably with her anyway and that girl never has her phone on her. I really want to tell them in person, so hopefully we can grab some drinks tonight or something," Clarke said as she walked over to the balcony's doors.

Lexa smiled at Clarke's back.

"Whatever you say, fiancé."

"Hey, Raven? Yeah, it's me. Is Octavia with you? Okay awesome. Listen, are you guys busy tonight?"

Lexa pulled out her phone and opened up a new message to Lincoln.

 **She said yes!**

Lexa let her head drop back to rest on the sofa.

She felt weightless – as though she was floating in the sea; drifting without a care to weigh her down. Or like she was made of clouds. Or like she was back home in her treehouse and the fairies were bringing her love notes all signed with _Clarke_ at the bottom. Like there was grass tickling her feet as the sun warmed her skin. Like she was breathing in air that smelled so sweet and her feet were dipped into a warm lake that was as smooth as a mirror.

She felt free.

She felt like she had been walking for miles and she finally found _home._

Because Clarke was home.

And she never wanted to say goodbye.

.

They had been married for almost three years when it happened.

Lexa and Clarke were on their usual morning run when suddenly Clarke collapsed. She had mentioned a few weeks ago a slight pain her chest, but it usually went away, so neither of them thought much of it.

But now Clarke was on the ground and she wasn't breathing and Lexa's hands were numb and the 911 operator on the phone sounded miles away.

They had been talking about what they wanted to have for dinner that night. Something so innocent and unimportant. Clarke just wanted to order in Chinese food but Lexa was determined to keep with the whole eating healthy thing. She had been telling Clarke that nothing good was ever easy and Clarke had been cracking a joke that when she first met Lexa she had been both easy _and_ good. They had been laughing.

But now Clarke was no longer smiling and Lexa was crying.

Now, Lexa was praying to a God she gave up on years ago.

Now, Lexa was holding Clarke on a sidewalk that was littered with leaves that had fallen from the branches of trees that looked like soldiers watching on as her world around her crumbled.

Now, the screeching sounds of an ambulance shattered the plans they had been making.

Now, instead of the warm interior of their car as they drove to meet Octavia and Lincoln for brunch, Lexa was in the back of an ambulance watching strangers do all they could to save the love of her life.

Later, the doctors will tell her that Clarke apparently had hypertrophic cardiomyopathy – Clarke's heart muscles became abnormally thick, making it extremely hard to pump her blood.

Later, they would tell her that, while hypertrophic cardiomyopathy is the most common cause of heart-related sudden death in younger people, it often goes undetected.

Later, they would tell her that they did all that they could.

Later, they would tell her that they were sorry.

Later, there would be a funeral. And more people than Lexa probably knew in her entire life would show up and they would spill outside of the funeral home, into the garden and parking lot. They would speak of fond memories with Clarke and they would dab at their eyes and try to figure out why someone so _good_ was gone so early. Why someone who had such a kind and gentle heart, was gone because of it.

Later, there would be gray skies as a coffin was lowered into the ground.

But now…

Now Lexa's heart was shattering. She was holding the hand of the one whom she gave all her love to, squeezing it and begging for Clarke to squeeze back.

Now, Lexa thought back to a time when she believed in fairies and magic and wishing on shooting stars and how none of that could compare to the _happily ever after_ she had found wrapped up in a girl with blonde hair and a smile that reminded her of the stars.

Now, Lexa felt the earth splitting open beneath her and she felt herself falling, never being able to find purchase on solid ground. Never being up to tell up from down. Never being up to tell the difference between the moon and the stars.

Now, she sat in a chair next to a hospital bed that held the girl whom she promised _forever_ to.

Because who knew that forever had an expiration date.

There had never been any beeping to be drawn out into a long tone. There had never been hand squeezed back in return. There was only ever the haunting ghost of a last laugh, a last smile, a last _I love you_ spoken between the sounds of footfalls on sidewalks.

There would never be anything else ever again.

"Clarke… Please…I can't do this without you…"

Later, after the funeral, when she was no longer numb, Lexa would break. She would scream and cry until her throat felt raw. She would beg God to take her instead, that her heart was already bruised enough and that Clarke's was _good._ Lincoln would stand there as she would beat on his chest, begging for Clarke to come back to her. Octavia would hold her and rock her when she would fall to the ground, gravity and grief knocking her knees out from under her. Raven would smooth her hair and remind her that she still had a family.

But now, Lexa held Clarke's hand, twisting a ring between her fingers.

Now, Lexa ran her hand through hair that reminded her of sunlight.

Now, she pressed a kiss to lips that were as still as a statue but still soft as a whisper.

" _You are my sunshine… My only sunshine… You make me happy… When skies are gray… You'll never know, dear… How much I love you…_ "

Lexa ignored the tears on her face and the crack in her voice.

" _So please don't take… My sunshine… Away…_ "

Now…

Lexa was saying goodbye.


End file.
